Yes Indeedy

I wonder if you know
The degree to which your support injures me
Silent and cool, hopeful and anxious
I know you well
I see your longing
I know your pain of implication
Association
And I do deeply regret to inform you
That there is nothing I will offer you

I wonder if you know
That you'll not be off the hook
No matter my forgiveness
No matter my adoption of responsibility
My surrogacy
I know you well
I know your self blame
And I do deeply regret to inform you
That there is nothing I will offer you

This is my request
Albeit hidden and veiled
Fitting I would say
Yes, much the way we have lived this wound
Please let go
And in that one act of care
Parent me
Just one more act of selflessness
Just one true act of absolution
Believe in my knowledge
Embrace this history
Reject, with a vengeance, this notion of mystery
And do so
Even though
There is nothing I will offer you

There is talk of a wall
The pain through which one fights
In order to reach
A next plane
A new place
A transcendence
This talk I have disregarded
As baffling and strange
Even as I have beared down
Jaw clamped on wood
Voice clamped on heart
And forged ahead through shame

My life's work
Yes, fine
Those who know may disagree
But my life's other work to me
Addiction barring loss of function
Sedation barring loss of pay
In the service of numbness
Of staving off pain
I wish not to feel
The cool heat
Nor to allow these muscles to spasm
React
I have honed my skills
Perfected my craft
Watch as I masterfully
Dull the reply

Imagine my surprise
A well-known ache turned torture
Wheezing into life
Gasping for purpose
I reach with all of me
And pull into this new existence
Arms and legs working resistance
Like a lover whose weaknesses
I know
Better than he
Still gliding with momentum
I've not yet turned to see if the wall
Looks different
From this side

Inching back away from a great danger
This mythical beast
Believing I might avoid inevitable wounds
Scars marking the path I've chosen
This is about basic human rights
This is about love (as everything is)
And I have gotten too close to danger

Tell me I amaze you
Tell me I am fierce
And watch me slink away into shadow
I will tell you I'm remarkable
I will scream out my pride
Yet watch me settle into truths
I wish I had the bravery to fight

This is the stuff of old John Hughes films
This is the stuff of angst and change
But I am a woman
Seeking the switch that will alter this reality
Seeking the ability to grasp
What I am told exists
What I suspect to be true
What I am terrified to get too close to
For fear that the beast lies quietly waiting
For fear that it is hungry and I am not meant to tame it
I remain suspicious, rational or no
That I am no more than a tasty snack

Every moment
Feels like the moment
That should be the moment
I change, I move
Yet every moment
Is followed by moments
Not unlike the one before
I feel lost
Without compass
Looking to the stars
Seeking out North
With vague recollections
Of a story of Wise Men
But otherwise
Unprepared
With vague recollections
Of the knowledge of catholic
And a family of obligation

Yom Kippur meets Christmas Eve meets Ramadan
Meets touching, lustful
Disgusting and brazen
With a stranger in a bar
I wish this moment
Would be the moment
I lose my rigidity
I would dive into a body
And swim out my rage
Every pull bringing truth
I wish this moment
Would be the moment
I lose my rigidity
I would scream out the the names
Of those who have wounded me
Save my pennies
And buy that compass
It's time I knew North
Without looking to the stars

This search for satisfaction
Has become tiresome and old
Lonesome and cold
I'm bored with my surroundings
Inside I feel a hip hop
My heart stops
Here we are
Spread my legs and spread some fire
Spread the word
This is desire
I'm bored with obligations

There is buzzing all around me
As I seek out release
Prior to resignation
To this truth that I believe
I'm a mess and I've gone mad
And I've lost my self control
Self respecting voices
Cease their ever-present whisper

Back track, back track
Abort
Retreat
Desire will not save me from this ache
From this defeat
When green grass withers brown
The smell of rotting can be sweet
But this mulching of my spirit
Reminds me
That I hate you

The verge is in the doing
The standing
The jumping
I've been waiting for a moment
Of enlightenment

The verge is never noticed
This span of time
This moving
This hurtling and spinning
Of adjustment

And I'll look back and say
That was something more than painful
And I'll look back and ask
Why was I so shameful
And I look back and wonder
Why was I so blind
To the fact that I was merging
Verging
With myself, my mind

This leap's already taken
The falling
The flight
I've been waiting for a moment
Of departure

Departure's not a choice
No decision
No one moment
It's the density in landing
That's much harder

And I am built to heal
To scab
To scar
To carry out my destiny
I'll never be a martyr

And I'll look back and say
That was something more than painful
And I'll look back and ask
Why was I so shameful
And I look back and wonder
Why was I so blind
To the fact that I was merging
Verging
With myself, my mind

Here we go again
My body flushed and flushing
Toxins and life all spilling out of me at once
I do believe my brain has gone awry
I do believe I'd like to
Finally figure out the why
And turn myself off
Or on
Whichever the case may be
Whichever the necessity

Synapse gaps disturb tranquility
And I know
I'm in for a long haul
Leaning over this edge again
Imagining the fall
Ah but lest we forget
I've got those extra lives
And I've gotten quite good
At landing on my feet

This suite
A cacophony of chemicals
Zipping and zinging out their melody
I believe in harmony
Though dissonance always makes things more
Dirty
Fun
I feel flirty and young
I find myself wondering
If perhaps the sum is not of import
If this zip and that zing
Create not just scream
But sing
And I've been off
Or on
All this time

I shall invoke the soul
I shall create longing and ache
Where before there was only striving
I shall broadcast this unknown
This art
We've the right to our fears
A proper introduction
Yes, "Soul, meet me. Me, meet soul"
Let us know those fears
This collective heart

Or else, if you prefer
And I must admit, I do
I will speak a language of self
Of love
And Plato, in his grave
Will take note
Ahh, there is the obvious choice
He will moan
As his own addictions, long left unfulfilled
Fade into warmth

My world, I long to love you
Let me allow it
Cease this lure of immediacy
Gratification
And allow me, please
To finally understand health
To acknowledge wealth
I have met my soul
I know what is best

World, let me love you
My care will be unstoppable
And art may invoke my soul
But that ache will open my eyes wide
Fill my gut with satisfaction
And allow questions
Where before there was nothing