Tuesday, February 28, 2006 

altering direction

These decisions alter direction
Propelling me forward
Into the arms of my fear
Into the arms of self-protection

I long to be held
Even as I offer my own embrace
Arms strong and kind
I turn away

Fear motivates all
As does protection
Mitigating and numbing
Knowing anger hurts

Yet now I survive
Thrive on this truth
Nurturing this smoulder until ignition
With faith I will remain unsinged

Thursday, February 16, 2006 

Time Flies

Sirens explode into fantasy
And I choose snooze
Yesterday is not yet far enough

Time flies through days identical
Patterns of living recycled
Seven then seven then seven of the same

Sirens explode into fantasy
Tomorrow I will choose differently
Just as I did last time

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 


this brain this heart
are what i have
awake and alive
i will navigate you

blind corners
rough roads
i tread heavily
looking for words

now lost now found
seek landmarks
this tan house
that fir tree

time is wisdom and distance
words, my property
i will look back
but will not rest

Friday, February 03, 2006 


Here is the usual pressure
Break the silence with something
Something better than golden
And bring a truth back to life

Rather than these longing fantasies
Closeness full of expectation
It is my time to learn to celebrate self
Canvas the world with jubilance

Come into the fold, my dears
Bask in our light of intention
For when I find resolution to this ache
I've no doubt one of you will be standing strong

Tuesday, December 27, 2005 


Without my usual fear
I attack this new thing
Was is it called?
Is it life?
Is it love?
Is it faith I fight to instill?

Let us bring in this newness
As one
Let us ring in this newness
And sum up our losses and wins
Tallies of a time now lost
Tallies of a life lived
In immediacy

This is my now
Just as then was
And I am offering myself
A new promise
A new me
Intrepid and strong
Beyond what I have heretofore allowed

Friday, December 09, 2005 

I Am Not Him

Such promise, such potential
But you seem to have changed your mind
Without so much as an utterance
Take care
You will find what you seek
I am not him
I hope you are not wounded by this shift


Man or Mouse

Well well well
This should be no surprise
It turns out I am braver than you
Turns out you'll run and hide
Rather than stand and face
Yourself and me
Rather than stand and state
This incompatibility
It turns out you're the mouse
And I the man
I am the poet
And you the sham

Thursday, December 08, 2005 

The Square

Round and round
I am laughing again
Shaking my head and rolling my eyes
As this course of events quickly ceases to surprise
I recognize this
This usual thing that has occurred

So we are back to square one
So I am back to the square
The root of why I play these games
The root sans the radical notion
That there was possibly more here than emotion
Commotion and havoc in the wake of wanting more

I still lack that compass, but I have other tools
No longer just a pad and pen
There are new rules
I've a fancy, graphing calculator
It's my secret weapon, being saved for later
One shot use, I will not waste it
Being saved for the right equation

Saturday, November 26, 2005 

Misplaced Feeling

There are no sirens tonight
Storm windows in place
And the sounds of cold Cambridge
Are lost to the pipes

Steam whining into being
Sputtering into existence
A life so short
Birth is death

There is nothing to hold
Except imagination
Which is lonely and quick
And will not satisfy

Monday, November 07, 2005 


The echo is familiar
A resounding hatred
Which bounces off of the surfaces within
A ping of sonar
Sent back to my brain
Reminding me that I am incomplete
Who do I believe myself to be
That I might have this normal thing

I let down my guard
In exchange for moments of pleasure
Afterwards filled with digust
Like the promises a kind man makes
To himself
In the shameful moments
Following weakness
I will not touch my niece again

Tuesday, October 25, 2005 

This Is My Request

I wonder if you know
The degree to which your support injures me
Silent and cool, hopeful and anxious
I know you well
I see your longing
I know your pain of implication
And I do deeply regret to inform you
That there is nothing I will offer you

I wonder if you know
That you'll not be off the hook
No matter my forgiveness
No matter my adoption of responsibility
My surrogacy
I know you well
I know your self blame
And I do deeply regret to inform you
That there is nothing I will offer you

This is my request
Albeit hidden and veiled
Fitting I would say
Yes, much the way we have lived this wound
Please let go
And in that one act of care
Parent me
Just one more act of selflessness
Just one true act of absolution
Believe in my knowledge
Embrace this history
Reject, with a vengeance, this notion of mystery
And do so
Even though
There is nothing I will offer you

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 

There is Talk

There is talk of a wall
The pain through which one fights
In order to reach
A next plane
A new place
A transcendence
This talk I have disregarded
As baffling and strange
Even as I have beared down
Jaw clamped on wood
Voice clamped on heart
And forged ahead through shame

My life's work
Yes, fine
Those who know may disagree
But my life's other work to me
Addiction barring loss of function
Sedation barring loss of pay
In the service of numbness
Of staving off pain
I wish not to feel
The cool heat
Nor to allow these muscles to spasm
I have honed my skills
Perfected my craft
Watch as I masterfully
Dull the reply

Imagine my surprise
A well-known ache turned torture
Wheezing into life
Gasping for purpose
I reach with all of me
And pull into this new existence
Arms and legs working resistance
Like a lover whose weaknesses
I know
Better than he
Still gliding with momentum
I've not yet turned to see if the wall
Looks different
From this side

Thursday, October 13, 2005 


Inching back away from a great danger
This mythical beast
Believing I might avoid inevitable wounds
Scars marking the path I've chosen
This is about basic human rights
This is about love (as everything is)
And I have gotten too close to danger

Tell me I amaze you
Tell me I am fierce
And watch me slink away into shadow
I will tell you I'm remarkable
I will scream out my pride
Yet watch me settle into truths
I wish I had the bravery to fight

This is the stuff of old John Hughes films
This is the stuff of angst and change
But I am a woman
Seeking the switch that will alter this reality
Seeking the ability to grasp
What I am told exists
What I suspect to be true
What I am terrified to get too close to
For fear that the beast lies quietly waiting
For fear that it is hungry and I am not meant to tame it
I remain suspicious, rational or no
That I am no more than a tasty snack

Wednesday, October 12, 2005 

The North Star

Every moment
Feels like the moment
That should be the moment
I change, I move
Yet every moment
Is followed by moments
Not unlike the one before
I feel lost
Without compass
Looking to the stars
Seeking out North
With vague recollections
Of a story of Wise Men
But otherwise
With vague recollections
Of the knowledge of catholic
And a family of obligation

Yom Kippur meets Christmas Eve meets Ramadan
Meets touching, lustful
Disgusting and brazen
With a stranger in a bar
I wish this moment
Would be the moment
I lose my rigidity
I would dive into a body
And swim out my rage
Every pull bringing truth
I wish this moment
Would be the moment
I lose my rigidity
I would scream out the the names
Of those who have wounded me
Save my pennies
And buy that compass
It's time I knew North
Without looking to the stars

Tuesday, October 11, 2005 

Hate You

This search for satisfaction
Has become tiresome and old
Lonesome and cold
I'm bored with my surroundings
Inside I feel a hip hop
My heart stops
Here we are
Spread my legs and spread some fire
Spread the word
This is desire
I'm bored with obligations

There is buzzing all around me
As I seek out release
Prior to resignation
To this truth that I believe
I'm a mess and I've gone mad
And I've lost my self control
Self respecting voices
Cease their ever-present whisper

Back track, back track
Desire will not save me from this ache
From this defeat
When green grass withers brown
The smell of rotting can be sweet
But this mulching of my spirit
Reminds me
That I hate you

Thursday, October 06, 2005 

Density in Landing

The verge is in the doing
The standing
The jumping
I've been waiting for a moment
Of enlightenment

The verge is never noticed
This span of time
This moving
This hurtling and spinning
Of adjustment

And I'll look back and say
That was something more than painful
And I'll look back and ask
Why was I so shameful
And I look back and wonder
Why was I so blind
To the fact that I was merging
With myself, my mind

This leap's already taken
The falling
The flight
I've been waiting for a moment
Of departure

Departure's not a choice
No decision
No one moment
It's the density in landing
That's much harder

And I am built to heal
To scab
To scar
To carry out my destiny
I'll never be a martyr

And I'll look back and say
That was something more than painful
And I'll look back and ask
Why was I so shameful
And I look back and wonder
Why was I so blind
To the fact that I was merging
With myself, my mind

Tuesday, October 04, 2005 

Chemical Self

Here we go again
My body flushed and flushing
Toxins and life all spilling out of me at once
I do believe my brain has gone awry
I do believe I'd like to
Finally figure out the why
And turn myself off
Or on
Whichever the case may be
Whichever the necessity

Synapse gaps disturb tranquility
And I know
I'm in for a long haul
Leaning over this edge again
Imagining the fall
Ah but lest we forget
I've got those extra lives
And I've gotten quite good
At landing on my feet

This suite
A cacophony of chemicals
Zipping and zinging out their melody
I believe in harmony
Though dissonance always makes things more
I feel flirty and young
I find myself wondering
If perhaps the sum is not of import
If this zip and that zing
Create not just scream
But sing
And I've been off
Or on
All this time

Monday, October 03, 2005 


I shall invoke the soul
I shall create longing and ache
Where before there was only striving
I shall broadcast this unknown
This art
We've the right to our fears
A proper introduction
Yes, "Soul, meet me. Me, meet soul"
Let us know those fears
This collective heart

Or else, if you prefer
And I must admit, I do
I will speak a language of self
Of love
And Plato, in his grave
Will take note
Ahh, there is the obvious choice
He will moan
As his own addictions, long left unfulfilled
Fade into warmth

My world, I long to love you
Let me allow it
Cease this lure of immediacy
And allow me, please
To finally understand health
To acknowledge wealth
I have met my soul
I know what is best

World, let me love you
My care will be unstoppable
And art may invoke my soul
But that ache will open my eyes wide
Fill my gut with satisfaction
And allow questions
Where before there was nothing

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 


I am green grass
Cultivated by the Joneses
With whom you are not keeping up
I am freshly mowed
And smell of summer
I am acrid and bewitching
I am greener than that patch you tend

Yes, come put your barefeet in my soft locks
Step into my brilliance
Reflecting sunshine
And so full
Your patch looks withered and brown
From over here
Your patch looks lifeless next to me

It wouldn't take much, you know?
Some fertilizer
A sprinkler
You say it's a drought
I say put a bucket in the rain
Collect that essence and share it
You say you'd rather picnic elsewhere
As you inch your toe under the fence

Yes, come put your barefeet in my soft locks
Do you recall your patch last spring?
Green, brilliant
Like me
Now overtaken with grubs
Eating away at the root
The source
For lack of care
Or perhaps simply life's cycle
We feed on what we can, after all

I am green grass and I've been lucky
I am not impervious to grubs
Nor drought
Nor carelessness lavished upon me by an indifferent hand
I do not implore you to desire me
I do not hope for your tending
I am simply green
And you are watching me from walls
Too solid to bend

Friday, September 16, 2005 

You Are Not Good Enough

You are not good enough
It's been said

I've been watching your uselessness float all around me
Dust or cigarette smoke
Dancing through a window's slit sunlit breeze
And without value

You are not worth my time
Precious, lovely man
Who will someday surely be right
And might be for me, but for my self-possession
And your lack of interest
And my demands
Your hands are closed and tight
Fighting off humanity

I embrace
I stand arms wide open
Exposing my pink, wide, soft stomach
Flab and fat hiding muscle and strength hiding all the shit I've ever swallowed
You are useless to me

You are not good enough
I've said it
Not enough, not enough
Words echoing through me
And I realise you hold your pain as I mine
You hold your shame and deny
Time and space and waste and history
We are molded into we

Though I feel your small pump pump
Of love and ache
A manly stake
Whose burden I could shoulder
I see
You are not good enough for me
A waste of mine

I'll not be yours
Precious, lovely man
You are not good enough
I've said it
So let's no longer play this cat and mouse
While we espouse our hypocrisy
You are strong, bright, tough
But you muffle my heart

You are not good enough

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 

And Then

And Then
Just when I thought I was done
I learned I was not
Years more of walking and waking
Working towards love
Loving towards home
Awaiting an embrace
That can not come
I have these struggles
They fuel the heart, I know I know
And just when I thought
They would be no more
Subside into substance and sustainance and freedom
I learn they are the embrace
They are the beauty
Melancholy and whistful and ugly as my most foul version of me

There is discomfort
Itching with anxiety
Eyes tracking left to right to left
Or is it right to left to right
Let's let go, yeah?
Let's let go and live this
This beauty, hideous and filthy
Is all mine
I will shout it out
Naked and raw
Terrain just awaiting navigation
I embrace love, trite and ignorant and sappy and all
And I am proud of
Did you hear?
I said proud of
Even that ugliest and most foul version of me

Yes Indeedy